You Know You Live In Korea When....

    Hmm.... that old lady is walking right toward me. Surely she'll move to the other side of the sidewalk when she sees me coming. No.... she's not moving. Okay. I'll move over. Wait. What?! She's still headed right for me! But I have nowhere else to go! I'm literally on the curb! Is she trying to run into me??

*Wham!*
Great. There's a chunk missing from my left shoulder now. Yeah, thanks. Oh no really, excuse me!

    There are some things that you just know about where you live. Like when you drive west on the freeway in summer with the windows rolled down and as soon as you hit the end and come up over the hill, you can smell the beach... Ah, La Jolla. Or when you're walking down the sidewalk around 2am and you suddenly hear "DON'T STOP! BELIEVIN!" coming from every direction... Ah, PB. And of course when you're headed south in your car and pretty soon, there on the hills in front of you are thousands upon thousands of ran-shackled homes shrouded in a cloud of brown smog.... Ah, East County. I mean! Ah, Mexico. (Only kidding, people. Geez. You know where I'm from!)

    Well, just like these are things everyone back home knows about San Diego, there are certain things we expats have come to know about living in Korea. The following is a countdown-style list of all the things that make you say... Ah, Korea.*

You know you live in Korea when.....

50. Everything you see is written in Korean.... and if it is in English, it doesn't make sense.

49. You're surrounded by row after row of sky-scraping apartment buildings and there's not a house in sight.

48. The Paris Baguettes outnumber the Starbucks.

47. Everything comes with 500 tiny little side dishes.

46. Everyone around you is hacking and spitting on the sidewalk.

45. You have to wear jellies into the bathroom or your socks will get wet.

44. Everything smells and tastes like ocean.

43. No matter where you go, somebody will be there to invade your personal space.

42. Spam.

41. If you're not really careful, you will step in puke.

40. Your washing machine is in your kitchen.

39. There is a giant octopus on display in the meat department at the grocery store.

38. Mexican food? What's that?

37. B.Y.O.T.P. (Bring Your Own Toilet Paper)

36. Cheese is a synonym for plastic.

35. Everyone around you is watching TV on their tiny cell phone screen.

34. Service.

33. Instead of carrots and cucumbers, the produce section is stocked full of roots and branches.

32. Girls look like girls, and boys look like girls.

31. Pickles come with your pizza.

30. You walk into the subway station on a weekend (or a weeknight) and every bench is occupied by inebriated men in three-piece suits, sleeping on their shoes.

29. Everyone stares at you.

28. 1+1

27. Men carry purses.

26. Anything you order will be cooked on the table in front of you.

25. You don't have to walk to get onto the subway, you can just ride the wave of people pushing you.

24. You go shopping and the clerk says to you, "Oh, you big size-uh!"

23. If you accidentally walk into the wrong stall in a public restroom, you will have to squat to pee. No, I mean really squat.

22. Kimchi.

21. The kids work harder than any adult you've ever met.

20. Being called "pale" is a compliment.

19. Wearing a tank top might as well be wearing nothing.

18. You separate your trash into 17 different piles... or else they bring it back and hang it outside your door.

17. You're ignored by street solicitors like you've got the plague.

16. Everyone has something dangling from their phone.

15. You meet someone new and they ask for your blood type.

14. Soju.

13. Being the first one out the door (to anywhere) is a for-reals competition.

12. The windows are open. When it's 10 degrees. And no one knows why.

11. It's not a sidewalk. It's a delivery motorbike super-highway.... and you're in the way!

10. Your English conversations now sound more like a string of short, simple sentences.

9. Fan Death.

8. You smell sewer at least once a day.

7. You can only buy tooth paste by the 6-pack.

6. You've said "Take a rest", "Good for health", or "These days"

5. You know that the Nazis aren't coming when a truck drives down your street at 6am, shouting from a loudspeaker.

4. If you forget to turn the knob on your faucet, next time you turn on the water you will take a surprise shower instead of washing your hands.

3. Everyone around you wears glasses.

2. Bangs. (Interpret that however you want. Small rooms or short hair covering your forehead... Both are Korean.)

And last, but never least, and the inspiration for this post......

1. You've eaten BBQ ribs with chopsticks.

*This may or may not be more humorous to those actually living in Korea. Sorry state-side folks.....